African-American Women Dating: Problem #1
I like to people watch, from time to time when I’m out and about, and my favorite people to watch are black women with their husbands and boyfriends of other races and nationalities. One woman I saw in San Francisco made me smile - She was tall and brown-skinned with a beautiful smile and the kinkiest hair I’ve ever seen. Well, almost. Anyway, there she was, strolling up Market Street with a Banana Republic grade white guy, who was holding her hand and smiling just as wide. I told myself that progress was unfolding right before my eyes. Right before my eyes.
Today I was cruising the web and came across an article on CNN’s website entitled My boyfriend's parents were racist by Contessa Schexnayder. At first I was surprised to find this type of content anywhere near CNN, and even more surprised with the type of candor Schexnayder offered about her experience with the beliefs of her Filipino boyfriend‘s parents. Using phrases like "They say I shouldn't date anyone darker than a paper bag," and "They think dating someone black is downgrading…” or “They would prefer me to date someone either my own race or a white girl.”, I could see that for every smiling African-American woman I see in public with her other-race king, there are at least two or three being hidden, denied, and discriminated against by some man and his family baggage.
There’s absolutely no doubt that it’s hard to find someone that you are compatible with to date, let alone marry. For black women who venture outside of the African-American population, I salute you, because I honestly didn’t have the tolerance when I was dating for the problems that Schexnayder encountered with her beloved’s family. That’s not to say that these paper bag references aren’t made within the black community. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemies when it comes to skin color. Additionally, black men who date and marry outside their race encounter similar backlash. Many are eventually accepted, many are not, but I think it ultimately hasn’t stopped black men from embracing women of other races and cultures.
So much is different for black women when it comes to interracial relationships. On the broad beauty spectrum, women with European lineage and features have historically been the coveted standard, even to this day. That’s not to say that black women have been viewed as purely undesirable - it’s just that very few non-black men have had the stomach to bring Chocolate home to meet Mama! Black girls have been more than well appreciated behind closed doors since slavery days. But which of these has ever wanted to fulfill some jungle fantasy? Sometimes, for many, it’s easier to deal with what you know than venture out and face the humiliation of being treated as less than lovable and desirable.
What a black woman knows is a black man. He is her father, brother, uncle, and most times the boy next door. But what if what she knows isn’t always available? Black women will have some challenges and choices to make about marriage prospects, but they will have to be smart and strategic. Part of what the Filipino boyfriend’s parents know is that the more you have in common with a potential partner, the better, but they wrongly used racial stereotypes as a basis to justify their beliefs. Black women will need to look for a partner equal to her in strength and moral character, and she will have to possess an abundance of it herself to attract any man worth her time.
Chandra Adams
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